When who we are each time. Internet dating in

When we are young and inexperienced at the dating game, we’re likely to fall for those that are best looking, most popular or just show us some attention in the playground. We haven’t given a second thought to what we really want or need as we haven’t yet learned about ourselves, plus it doesn’t really matter because we’re young and time is on our side. As we get older, you gain life experiences and hopefully come to realise what interests and drives you, what you’re passionate about. You start to know yourself and think more about who you are and what you want from life. You get to know you and this is where we should really start. When looking at single people (myself included) and past partners that haven’t worked out, there is a clear pattern that emerges. You may blame yourself or them, or the world for the way things are but the truth is you’ve seen that person and all they are very early on and ignored that you have very little in common or a very flimsy common interest at best. Maybe you feel you don’t have any hobbies or clear interests so picking a partner that shares things is common is hard. You’re told to choose the nice guy or the one that treats you like a princess, but even the most abusive of partners can do this at the beginning. We can panic about being alone forever so rush into relationships not knowing anything real about the people we date and then come out a little more lost about who we are each time. Internet dating in my experience is the worst for this. You can hide so much about yourself and portray a whole online persona that isn’t really who you are at all, but those filtered pictures give you an ego boost from all the attention even If that’s a dick pic (ain’t nobody got no time). What I’m getting at here is to make something last we should be taking our time to learn about that person and seeing what motivates them, what are they’re passionate about and more importantly finding that in ourselves. If you don’t have anything you’re passionate about then that should be your focus first before finding a partner. Plus it’s probably where you’re more likely to meet someone anyway! When we are energised by something our true colours show (Cyndi Lauper is playing in my head now) we come alive, we are our true selves. If you love being sociable but you’re partner is a recluse it’s unlikely to fulfil either one of you, if those things drive your life choices. I’m not saying find someone that matches every interest you have, that’s impossible but someone that is passionate about one thing that motivates you or grows you both as people. Having shared interests is just one part of it but there’s something even more important and that’s matched morals. If you believe in being kind and caring about those around you but you pick a partner that is rude or has little time for others it will not work. Recently I have sat myself down and made a big mind map of everything I value. The things most important to me. I’ve included where I want to be in years to come and my core values. This exercise has shown me my life path. Anything I put up the top is the most important such as my daughter, friends and family, showing one of my key morals is being family orientated. If I then go and pick someone who wants to be a lone wolf and hates everybody, especially their family (I’m describing my exes now) it will not work and just stops me being my true self. I start to try to change my behaviour to match theirs and end up feeling completely trapped and miserable. So try it, it doesn’t take long so time isn’t a thing. Sit down and record anyway you see fit (I just love a big messy mind map, it explains my brain) all that is most important to you. It will give you all your answers for your life! It can show you what hobbies, career or relationships to pursue, in line with who you really are. Let me know how you get on and what your top morals are! 🙂